


sometimes it feels like i’m fallin’ in the ocean.

by starbucks22



Series: tonight i’m falling, won’t you catch me? [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, M/M, Post-Sirius Black in Azkaban, Regulus Black Lives, Remus Lupin Raises Harry Potter, Sirius Black Free from Azkaban
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-15 02:34:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28931082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starbucks22/pseuds/starbucks22
Summary: (-That isn't the bad part. The bad part is that, for a few seconds, he did exactly what he feared he would do.For a second, he forgot James' name.)OR: Although no longer trapped in Azkaban, things do not just get back to normal. After all, he has brand new memory issues, his best friends are all dead, (except for one that is always quarreling with his brother), and he’s now co-parenting his dead best friend’s not even two-year-old son, Harry.
Relationships: Regulus Black & Remus Lupin, Regulus Black & Sirius Black, Remus Lupin & Poppy Pomfrey, Sirius Black & Poppy Pomfrey, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: tonight i’m falling, won’t you catch me? [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2031736
Comments: 10
Kudos: 45





	sometimes it feels like i’m fallin’ in the ocean.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello this is shorter than the last one is but please enjoy!!

Regulus gives his brother a few hours with Pomfrey and Remus, but when his meeting with Dumbledore is over and the sun is bright and shining in the sky in the way it only does when it is setting soon, he decides to hurry back to the hospital wing and tell his friends goodbye.

"I am coming in," Regulus says, very loudly and not in the slightest bit subtle. "I am right outside the door. If you aren't wearing clothes, get yourself covered. I don't want to see all of that."

"We're decent!" Remus calls back, with a well hidden bite of irritation in his voice. When Regulus walks in, the older man is rolling his eyes at something Sirius has said. 

"Well, we're wearing clothes," Remus corrects himself. Sirius, on the bed across from him, is silent and glaring. At first, Regulus thinks he's glaring at him.

"He's grumpy right now," Remus says as if Regulus can't see that for himself. 

"Over what?" His first thought is, Remus won't bring Sirius with him for the full moon after all. But that isn't the problem. 

"Pomfrey has him under at least four different potions or painkillers that he absolutely has to take, and he has to refrain from too much physical activity– excluding tonight, anyway. He's not really happy about it."

"That's not all," Sirius grumbles, his arms crossed.

"He has to go to therapy," Remus says with a roll of his eyes. I do not have time to deal with this, his facial expression says. Sirius, across from him, quiets down, even though he isn't actually the main cause of his best friend's frustration. (The full moon would be the cause of that.) "He's not exactly a fan of the idea."

"Therapy?" Regulus asks. In the past, due to some very extreme circumstances, the government has required certain individuals to go to therapy. For some reason, he hasn't heard of this happening since years before he was due to start at Hogwarts– one would think, due to the war, these therapy mandates would actually increase in number, instead of decreasing, but it was not to be. 

The idea that the Ministry find Sirius in bad enough shape to issue this now, so shortly after several prominent figure's deaths, (or supposed deaths), is not a very comfortable thought. 

He fights to keep his voice neutral as ever when he asks, "That must be a rather extreme reaction on the Ministry's part."

He nods. Remus, staring at him with a serious look on his face, does not. 

"I guess so," he says, but he does not sound very confident about it. 

Sirius frowns. "I'm fine, you know. No need to fuss over me."

"Yeah, what he said," Remus agrees, going from 'not confident' to 'not even slightly convincing' in the blink of an eye. "He's totally fine."

Regulus isn't very pleased with that either. "Oh, are you sure about that? Because, if I recall correctly, when was the last time the government actually ordered somebody to have therapy? Maybe when I was eight-years-old. Maybe, if it was even that recent."

Remus stares harder, a bit of a glare in his eyes now. Don't start anything right now. 

Regulus almost does start something, because really. Azkaban, no matter how long or short a time a person is in there, is deadly.

Why is he the only one that sees this?

Regulus inhales sharply, ignoring the clear warning in Remus' eyes. "My brother needs to go to therapy," the younger of the two begins sharply. "He has never once before now had to go, nor had he been ordered to by the bloody government! You don't think this is cause for concern?"

"People go all the time-"

"Yes, people do. This isn't exactly a normal situation though, can you at least agree to that?"

"Well, obviously-"

"I'm telling you I'm fine why can't you just accept that?" Sirius tries to counter, but neither of the other two are interested in hearing about it.

"You've been out for how long? Less than a day? I bet you're still half in shock," Regulus shoots back, not even looking at his brother.

Remus' eyes narrow. He doesn't get a chance to speak.

"Lay off it already!" a sighing Sirius replies. "I can handle myself, okay? I don't need some kid telling me what to do or telling me how he thinks I feel!"

"You are fully aware that I'm over the age of seventeen, and therefore an adult, right? You didn't happen to just up and forget how old I am, I'm sure. That's not really your thing. Besides, you and I-- and probably Remus as well-- know I'm more grown up than you ever really will be."

He's expecting some sort of angry retort. He's not expecting Sirius to go suddenly, oddly, quiet.

The other two sit and wait for him to say something. 

After a few painfully silent seconds, he finally mumbles something, but at first Regulus doesn't even hear him.

Remus, on the other hand, must, because he suddenly tenses up and looks much more concerned than he did a few minutes ago. The heated anger and the  'don't cross me' look aimed toward the world in general seem to simmer down now, and he reaches out to take Sirius' hand. 

Sirius does not take it.

"What did he say?" Regulus asks Remus, when it seems that his brother won't exactly be very forthcoming about it. "How bad is it?" (The war they all just got out of still lingers strongly; Regulus almost asks who died this time, before remembering that for once, nobody has.)

Sirius, to put it kindly, looks like his whole world has just been rocked.

"I forgot your birthday," he mumbles. His head is down, and he isn't looking at anyone.

That is so far from what Regulus was expecting that he just bursts into laughter.

"That-- that's  it?  I thought you said something huge! I thought that you might have killed someone!  That  is what you're so panicked about? Honestly, it's fine. You have much bigger things to worry about."

Sirius, to his confusion, does not seem even the slightest bit reassured by this. If anything, he actually looks more agitated. "NO, you don't understand, this is a big deal!"

"It's just a date, and I can easily remind you, no harm is done-"

"I knew your birthday back when the year began! Hell, I knew when it was just three months ago!"

"Yeah, so? My birthday isn't right now, and besides..."

I knew when it was just three months ago. Oh, no.

Sirius catches on to his barely there grimace almost immediately. "Exactly. Don't you get it yet? If I forget a detail that's so important to me when it has to do with you, what else won't I remember? Will I wake up in two days just to realize later on that I've forgotten someone's last name? Or when I met them? Or what position of Quidditch they played in school? Those all seem minor, but to me they aren't. What if... what if I forget something that nobody can tell me about again?"

He has a bad feeling about this. "What are you talking about?"

"What if I forget something important about someone who's dead, and I never regain the memory? It's not like I can waltz into wherever they died and just ask them! What if it's something like that, or if it's something about Frank or Alice, who are still alive but aren't exactly in a position to talk, or worse..."

"Or worse?" He isn't sure where Sirius is headed with this anymore.

Like always, though, when it comes to Sirius, Remus seems to be the first to understand. 

He holds Sirius' hand even tighter against his chest, even though the action seems to make him wince (and glance out the open window, which makes him wince even more.) He shakes the pain off the best he can. (But Poppy Pomfrey is hovering around Remus, worried for him now as well, and Remus' eyes are scared for more reasons than one.) "That won't happen. You won't forget them. They were too special to ever forget."

Who are they talking about now? Is this still about the Longbottoms? For some reason, I feel like it's not,  Regulus thinks.

And sure enough-

Sirius is in the middle of saying, "It's James and Lily, they are," when he glances toward the window where the cold winter breeze is coming from, and he abruptly stops talking. "Poppy," he calls out to the nurse, who up until now had no part in any of this. "Quick question. What time is it?"

She tells him the time.

It's now Sirius' turn to wince. "Remus, honey, you need to let go of my hand."

Remus doesn't reply, his eyes frantic as he searches the room.

It's at that point where Regulus makes the ill thought out decision to lean in closer to the anxious duo. "Hey, you guys okay?"

Sirius responds with a question of his own. "How far away is the forest from here while on foot?"

"That is such a weird-"

"I don't have the time for this answer the question I swear to fucking-"

"To get to the end of the forest, it'll take you hours, and I really don't advise it," Poppy answers, staring out toward the window which has become quite popular today. "Why aren't the two of you just going to the Whomping Willow? This has been the plan for, how long now? Just do that. I don't see what the issue-"

As has become habit now, Sirius cuts her off. "We don't have the time."

"And you have the time to make it out to the forest?"

"Maybe?" He doesn't seem too sure about this.

"Nope," Remus answers, who does seem quite sure about this. "I'll transform before I could possibly make it far enough in that the students won't just wander in after me."

"Okay, how do you just not have enough time? The Whomping Willow isn't exactly far away, you know," Regulus puts in his two cents. "I mean, yeah, it takes a while to get past the swinging branches, I'm sure, but unless you literally had, like, way less than an hour to get there, then I think that you'd be just fine to make it... and your face is all pale now. Alright, lay it on me, how long have you got?"

"Last I checked, forty minutes, maybe closer to forty-five."

And, look. Logically, Regulus knows its rather stupid to pick a fight with a werewolf who could literally kill him in around forty minutes and still might because nobody has a plan, but that's just it. Nobody has a plan. There's no time left for any good precautions, and they're all standing in the Hospital Wing of a school that is in the middle of exam season, and therefore full of young, innocent students who have no idea of the sheer panicking that's going on upstairs. "Okay, don't throw a fit at me right now, but how on Earth did you just... not watch the time? You're a werewolf and the full moon is coming. You've been one for how long now, exactly? I'm not trying to be a dick, but..."

Remus, predictably, does not look very fond of him right now. "Then don't be one," he practically growls out. "Try harder, then. No but's about it."

"We don't have the time for this!" Sirius reenters the conversation. Poor Poppy, in the background, looks about ready to pull her hair out. Regulus can't exactly blame her.

"Regulus," she begins, "Do go and fetch Albus and Minerva for me, could you?"

"Do I even have the time for that?" he asks, which is really a fair question.

Poppy stands in silence for a few seconds, seemingly debating with herself over it. Then, she makes the mistake of glancing at the clock on the wall; behind her, Remus does the same, and promptly starts screaming.

(They're all really lucky nobody else is in the Hospital Wing right about now.)

"FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK WHAT DO I DO-"

Sirius, who is also panicking, but remembers that oh yeah, he happens to be an Animagus, tries to calm his friend (boyfriend?) down enough so there are more brains trying to figure out a rapid fire solution so that nobody ends up dead in approximately thirty minutes or less. "Hey hey hey, it's okay, don't freak out, we'll figure something out, you just need to take a couple of deep breaths."

"I- I - I only have thirty minutes before- fuck Regulus was right why wasn't I thinking-"

"Honey, we've kind of been in the middle of something for days now. Nobody is blaming you for not having your head on perfectly straight right now."

"WELL I BLAME ME! There are kids here! This is the second busiest time of the school year!" 

Sirius shakes his head. "No, this isn't your fault, you've been through quite a bit in the last couple of months, okay?"

" _Me_? Sirius, what about you?"

"This isn't about me."

"No, this is about me, and I was idiotic enough to not keep up! I- we don't have time we need to evacuate the school we have to do something we need to-"

"Remus, sit down. Drink this." Suddenly, Sirius has a glass of water. He's holding it out to Remus, whose breaths are coming in and out sharply and too quick for any sort of comfort. 

"But-"

Regulus is so, so done. Maybe he'll regret it later, but he is so far past kindness that he just starts yelling. "We have less than twenty minutes before you become a bloodthirsty animal and we really need to get something done about this, so for fuck's sake just listen to Sirius already! Clearly, he knows what he's talking about right now!" 

"Everyone just shut up and quiet down, or someone is going to hear you!" Poppy cries out.

"IS THAT REALLY THE MOST IMPORTANT THING RIGHT NOW?" Sirius, Remus, and Regulus scream back at her, in complete unison.

Sirius Black is the most responsible one in this scenario.

Regulus is so concerned by this, suddenly stricken by how bad the situation actually must be for his older brother to be the most mature and in control person in the room that he mentally says 'fuck the time, I'll just hurry' and he heads for the door.

For once, though, a little bit of luck is on his side- Minerva is on the other end of the door, hand raised as she prepares to knock. Judging by how close she is to the door, she's likely heard quite a bit of that. Slowly, and looking like she's regretting some of her life decisions, she asks, "...What did I miss. And, Remus, why are you still here?"

So relieved to see someone with her head on right, all of them exclaim in unison, “ Help!”

Minerva takes a step back and assesses the situation. Clearly, it is not a medical scenario, or Poppy wouldn’t be as frantic as the other three. Clearly, it is also not a mental health scenario, or Poppy would have already contacted professionals with that area of expertise, and Minerva would have been informed of this before she had had the chance to enter the door. It can’t really be Death Eater related business, or the Aurors, herself, and Dumbledore would have been informed ages ago. The only thing it can really be, she decides, is something to do with Remus.

Mainly, because he is, for some reason, still here.

“Remus, why are you still here?” she repeats. “Why aren’t you at the Shrieking Shack? The sun will be gone soon.”

“Why don’t you have my son?” Regulus asks quickly. The room’s other occupants all stop their panicking momentarily to stare at him. “Where’s my boy?”

This, as it turns out, is not the correct thing to say. 

“I mean. Where’s Harry? Didn’t he leave with you?” 

He knows that Harry left with her.

He also knows that Harry is not his son. 

Remus turns on him so quickly that he gets whiplash. 

(Again: even if it is done accidentally, today is really not a day to pick a fight.)

“ _Your_ son? _Your_ son?”

Sirius is at his side in a second. “Remus, stop. Calm down.”

“I haven’t been calm since the end of October! Why should I start now?”

“You really need to have a level head right now, okay?”

“Yeah,” scoffs Remus, “You’re really one to talk about having a ‘level head’ Padfoot.”

Sirius doesn’t rise to the bait, for once. In fact, he ignores Remus entirely.

This is a mistake.

“So. Your son, Regulus?”

Regulus groans. It takes everything in him not to roll his eyes.

“No, really, why are you still here?” Minerva tries a third time to ask Remus, but it’s really of no use. Absolutely none. “You should have been gone at least half an hour ago. Do you even have enough time to get to the Whomping Willow now?”

“No, he doesn’t,” Sirius tells her. “We need an alternate plan, and we need it now. We figured you’d be able to help.”

“We?” She raises an eyebrow. Remus is currently bickering with Regulus. 

"Well, yeah. They were getting along just fine earlier, I swear."

"I bet. But I'm not playing around. What's going on?"

Sirius sighs. The sound is dreary and heavy. "He was trying to help me out. I was having a bit of a crisis, and I was getting checked out by Poppy so he didn't want to leave me, and we both forgot to keep an eye on the time, and now there isn't any time left, and Remus' anger has practically gone through the roof, so... we all really just need someone logical that's not freaking out to help us."

"So..." Minerva begins, with a pinched look to her face that practically screams 'I really don't get paid enough for this,' "Remus is going to transform soon, and even though he shouldn't even be here, none of you watched the time, and now we have barely any time to come up with a plan that doesn't end up with several people on the floor, dead?"

"Or bitten." Sirius rather unhelpfully points out.

Minerva squeezes the bridge of her nose with two of her fingers. She probably wishes to be anywhere else in the world, except for where she actually is. "Or bitten. Thanks so very much."

Behind them, they can easily hear the argument escalating. 

"That's not right-- he isn't your child, you aren't James, you aren't--"

"I know damn well who I am, Remus, and I don't need you to get all fussy over a slip of the tongue. This shouldn't be nearly as big of a deal as you're making it. Facts of the matter are that you and I are practically raising Harry, okay? Like it or not, that's just how it is. I know I'm not James, I know I'm not even a Potter, but I will be all that Harry knows. Like I said, that's just how it is. Don't bite my head off over it."

Silence reigns.

Sirius winces. "Oh, buggering fuck." 

He shoots another glance at the clock, then at Remus, whose face looks colder than it has been in quite a while, and decides that no, fuck it, this isn't even slightly in his control anymore.

"I think you need to evacuate the school, Minerva."

"That isn't exactly a decision that can just be made in... what, twenty-five minutes?"

"It's going to have to be, or someone is going to end up dead."

She motions at the still human Remus. "He's still as he usually is."

"That's not going to matter. This month is worse than it usually is, I can't even explain it. And-- and. Usually there's three animals holding him back. Today, there'll be one."

Minerva really doesn't have the time to comment on that, so she doesn't bring it up. "He's grieving; that's why this full moon is worse. If Poppy and I leave you all for five minutes so we can help come up with some excuse to get the kids out of the way for a while, will someone be dead when I come back?"

"You said it yourself, he's still as he usually is."

"Yes, and he still looks as if he's going to tear your brother to shreds, wolf or no wolf. So?"

"Go on, I can handle things here for a few more minutes. Just make it quick."

She leaves.

(This is a mistake.)

When she comes back, six minutes later, things have... escalated, to say the least. Remus and Regulus are having a go of it on the floor, Regulus looks just as angry as the boy on top of them is, Poppy is fiddling with something in the background, and Sirius is trying to break the wrestling two apart from one another. Minerva, with Dumbledore on her heels, wastes no time in helping Sirius out; luckily, it works. Remus and Regulus end up on opposite sides of the room. 

"Well," Dumbledore says, "That'll be all of that."

(By some absolute miracle, by the end of the night, nobody ends up injured, bitten, or dead, aside from Remus and Sirius, though that is normal for full moons. Remus and Regulus, by the end of the night, are not speaking to one another.)

*

Their silence continues for another week.

The only reason that it breaks is because of Sirius, and he doesn't even do it on purpose.

He walks into Remus' apartment one late afternoon, assuming that his and Regulus' regular routine is being disturbed by the silence, only to find that he isn't there at all, which means must be back with Regulus at Grimmauld Place.

Ah, fuck.

The last thing he wants to do is go to Grimmauld Place, but he's feeling lonely, sad, and he just wants to see his one remaining friend. Though he doesn't want to do it, he then proceeds to Apparate to Grimmauld Place with a loud  **_pop_**!

(When he arrives at his destination, he's stricken down by two consecutive, incredibly heartbreaking thoughts, or at least to him they are- the first one is that he forgot the way Remus would take his tea every day or every other day for years. The second thought is much worse. It is this; for a moment, just one, small, moment, he was thinking about his Hogwarts days. That isn't the bad part. The bad part is that, for a few seconds, he did exactly what he feared he would do. 

For a second, he forgot James' name.)

This is what breaks the overarching silence. Unlike when Remus ended up on the floor after a horrible full moon and Harry found him, Sirius collapses to the floor, sobbing, and Remus is the first one to know. 

He stares, dumbfounded.  I've only see Sirius cry a few times in my life, and he never seemed as devastated as he does now.  He turns toward the kitchen, with his back to Sirius, as the man behind him just  screams.  "Fuck.  _Fuck._ Regulus, I need you to get in here!"

For a heart stopping minute, during which Sirius' breaths only got shorter and sharper to the point he was near hyperventilating, Regulus doesn't respond. 

Exasperated by the lack of response and the fact that he doesn't know what to do, he bellows: _"_ _REGULUS!"_

This time, Regulus comes charging into the living room, Harry tucked under one arm and his wand pointed out across the room. "Where is it?" he asks, eyes searching around frantically. It doesn't take him long to notice his brother. Regulus instantly drops to his knees, Harry falling down gently with him.

"Fuck. What's going on?"

"I don't know! I just. I walked in, and he was like this, and I don't know what to do, and I realized that you probably have more experience in this area than I do-"

"How? You were around him way more than I was."

"Yeah, during school! What about all the time before that, or the summer holidays before fifth year? You were with him then, not me. Try– I don't fucking know anymore just try  something!  I don't think I've ever seen him this worked up, and it's scaring me."

The words 'it's scaring me' do the trick and prompt Regulus into action.

Regulus, albeit a bit reluctantly, wastes no time in reaching down to grab his brother’s hands and hold them tight. “Look at me,” he says. “Just look at me. Sirius, can you hear me?”

If he can, he makes no indication of it, but his breathing is just a tiny bit less frantic than it was before, so something must be working at least a little bit. 

“Sirius, can you hear me?”

“Wait, I have an idea. Breathe in and out, deeply,” Remus suggests. His face resembles a lightbulb going off. “Maybe that’ll work? I used to have to do this with– with James a lot, when we were kids.”

“Wait, Remus, do you think this might actually have something to do with James?”

“Deal with that later. Help me calm Sirius down now.”

That’s a resounding yes if I’ve ever heard one. 

"Copy Remus' breathing," Regulus instructs. 

Beside him, Remus breathes deeply in, then out, then in again. 

"Repeat after him. Do what he does.”

Sirius does, and eventually, he's calm enough to speak. 

"Thanks," he says croakily.

"What was that about?" Regulus asks, basically the very same second that Sirius speaks. "Are you okay? Will you be okay? Wait, do you need some water? Or something else to drink?"

"Vodka."

"Sirius," Regulus sighs. "You just had a mental breakdown."

"What's your point?"

_ " You just had a mental breakdown I'm not giving you vodka what on–" _

"Okay!" Remus wisely interrupts them there, just before they can really get going. “So that is what we are  not  going to do.”

“Thank you!” exclaims Regulus.

“Fuck you,” Sirius says, rather grumpily. 

“So what’s going on with you?” Regulus asks, changing topics with an admirable speed. “And don’t blow me off or tell me nothing, because there’s no way that I’ll possibly believe it.”

He then proceeds to mumble something that is not very audible. 

“What?”

The mumbling is just a tad bit louder now: the other three can hear the name ‘James’ being said.

Remus nods. He looks like he’s expecting this. “What about him?”

“I didn’t–“ Sirius sighs. “I couldn’t... okay, look. Earlier, I was thinking about all of us. You, me...” he trails off again, purposely not speaking Peter’s name. “And James. Obviously. But earlier, when I was thinking of us, I forgot James’ name.”

Remus’ eyes go wide. He looks like someone just punched him right in the chest. “Oh.”

“ Yeah,”  Sirius mumbles back. His face is shut off, his eyes dark and clouded. “Yeah. Remus, Regulus, what do I do?”

Regulus scoots a bit closer. “You cope. You talk to people, not just let everything fester inside like you’ve been doing, you lay off the vodka, and you cope.”

“It can’t be that easy.”

“It’s not,” Remus agrees. “It won’t be, but you’ll do it. You’ll survive it.”

“You’re strong, Sirius,” Regulus chimes back in.

Sirius, looking cautious, stares in between them... but eventually, he nods, finally seeing some truth in their words.

“I’ll survive.”


End file.
